Thursday, April 26, 2012

What Does It Feel Like?

It feels like:

I am walking shrouded with a cloak covered in bricks.  Every time I turn around, someone is adding a brick or bricks.  It gets heavier and heavier.  I feel like I cannot move.  All my energy is going to just trying to move so any extra movements including talking become laborious and futile.

I am trying to breathe in pudding.  I have to continue on for my survival but I am not getting my head above the surface to air so I breathe in the thick pudding.  It clogs my lungs and makes me sluggish.  I know that I will die if I don't breathe air soon.

I feel like I am running a race with weights tied around my ankles and my ankles bound loosely together.  I can't get my full stride.  My legs feel heavy and they ache.  I want to run more quickly but I can't.  Everyone is passing me and saying, "Come on,  be a good mother, a good wife, a good teacher, a good waitress, and good Christian."  I can barely perform the basic functions of life.  Making sure my kids are nourished, feel loved, bathed, brush my teeth, eat are the things that I can do.  I feel like a failure!  My kids deserve so much more than I am giving them this week.

What is "it"?  "It" is depression and stress and anxiety!  I start off with stress and then it compounds into depression and then leads to anxiety.  All of those then lead to guilt.  As a Christian, I know that I should be anxious for nothing but when I get so low, I cannot help it!  I know scripture and I know that God is there for me but when you are dealing with the above feelings, God seems so far away.  Like His voice is muffled and my vision is blurred.  I am not even sure that any of this is making any sense.  But, it is how I feel!

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