Friday, June 22, 2012

Running With the Cows

I am in bit of a slump so I an pulling out some oldies but goodies!  This is 1 of my favorite humor pieces I wrote several years ago when I began running.  I hope you enjoy.  The original post is here!

I know that you have heard of the running of the bulls. This event takes place in the summer all over Spain. Crazy people don their finest white outfits and stand in front of angry, hateful bulls. A rocket is fired and then, they’re off. They run through the streets and try desperately to avoid the horns of the aforementioned, angry bulls. At any time the runners can get off the street by jumping over fences that are meant to keep the bulls out of the proverbial china shops. Success is getting the bulls through the corrida, or bull ring with none of the participants dying.
What you may not have heard of is the running of the cows. This takes place several times per week in my neighborhood. The crazy runner dons her finest sweat attire and sneakers and stands out in front of her home. She adjusts her IPod to the sweet music that will get her through the dangerous twists and turns. She presses play and is off. She begins the run at a fast paced walk to get her muscles warm. Then, she begins to run. What people don’t realize is the peril that awaits her and any passersby. She is a nursing mom. Now, the ramifications of this may not be clear. When she began to nurse, her breasts grew to a proportion that she had not expected. Nursing bras are not known for their great support of the girls. As she runs, the ta-tas begin their own journey. Instead of going forward, they move up and down at an awkward trajectory. She is danger of losing an eye or at least, popping herself in the jaw and biting down on her own tongue. Once, they begin the bounce, stopping them is difficult. There could people who get too close and experience a knock out punch that would make Mohammed Ali jealous. Still, despite the slamming on her stomach and chest, she continues to run. She needs to lose the weight that the baby caused her to gain(as if he forced her to eat a whole chocolate cake in 1 sitting?. At any time, she could get off the street by jumping into neighbors’ yards and sitting for a spell. But, the neighbors probably wouldn’t want her to damage their windows or trees. Success, for her, is getting herself and her chest through her yard and into her home with no one in the neighborhood dying or losing an azalea bush. While her event is not televised, unless someone gets it onto You Tube, it’s counterpart in Spain is widely broadcast and sometimes makes it onto one of those funniest video shows. At the end of the running of the bulls, a bull cow is brought out for one final battle. Well, her American version starts with the cow and ends with the cow for she must go in and nurse her baby. Unlike the bulls, she isn’t put to death for her magnificent run but she probably wishes that she were. Maybe, just for the time being, she’ll just walk with the cows. That might be safer.
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