I wrote this for a speech I did on the stages of grief that many women feel at the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, abortion, or stillbirth, but this can also apply to any experiencing grief for any reason: death of a spouse, death of a marriage, loss of a parent.
First, women in both situations are told to move on and get over it or to never talk about it all. They feel like that aren’t supposed to show emotion over a baby that “never was”. That common misconception, even among Christians, shows where we have succumbed to the world’s way of thinking. For women who have had abortions, they are told that the baby they carry isn’t a baby but a blob of tissue. For women who miscarry, they are often told well be grateful that you weren’t any farther along or at least the baby wasn’t born. The worldly view of life is that it begins when the woman decides that it begins. So it really wasn’t a life at all. But from the moment of conception, a soul entered that body as God has planned for every body whether 100 years old or 1 day old in the womb. Psalm 139
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
You have a right to mourn. That baby was your baby, created especially for you. No one else! If you haven’t mourned properly, then do so. Mourning is allowed in the Bible. Jesus wept! David mourned the illness and death of his & Bathsheeba’s son. Do not stay in denial for that will hold you prisoner. Those are chains that aren’t supposed to keep you locked up!
Second, there is the issue of pain and guilt. These are burdensome loads that you shouldn’t carry. Pain over what you have done or what happened to you and your baby. Pain over why God would allow such a thing. Pain over the choice you made. I cried in the recovery room after my abortion. The pain was a very real thing for me. I knew what I had done. When I was told that I was miscarrying my pregnancy and that there was nothing I could do to save the baby( I was only 6 weeks along), I felt such gut wrenching grief and pain. But feeling that pain and that grief is healthy. God gave us our emotions and that includes sadness and sorrow. Guilt is a feeling that doesn’t come from God but it is an attempt by our Enemy to mock God. Guilt can lead to all sorts of bad things like bitterness and shame. We weren’t meant to feel these things! Women who have had abortions feel guilt over the choice that they made or the fact that their baby is gone. Women who have miscarried feel guilt, too. I have heard women say if I had only done something differently or if I had gotten to the doctor sooner or that they cannot carry a child for very long and thus something must be wrong with them. All of these are lies set forth by our enemy who seeking to steal, kill, and destroy! Do not believe him. He has no power over you. Rid yourself of that condemnation! It is not healthy!
According to Matthew 27:5-8, guilt so consumed Judas the betrayer that he committed suicide.
Pain is laced through the Psalms and from Jeremiah. But they knew the source of their healer! They went straight to God instead of bottling it up.
1Unto thee will I cry, O LORD my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, I become like them that go down into the pit. 2Hear the voice of my supplications, when I cry unto thee, when I lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle. Psalm 28
1Oh that my head were waters, and mine eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night for the slain of the daughter of my people! Jeremiah 9
Third, anger and bargaining. Anger is one of those toxic emotions. The Bible states that we should never let the sun go down on our anger! No more than 1 day of being angry. Some of us hold onto our anger for years. Imagine how being exposed to that poison can affect every aspect of our lives. Anger leads to bitterness and darkness. It allows Satan to get a foothold and wreak havoc.
Women who have had abortions can have anger at her parents, the father of the baby, the abortion doctors, the world for allowing these procedures and at herself. If these things aren’t ironed out and given to God then they lead to depression & loneliness
Women who have miscarried may be angry at God, their doctors, or themselves. These can also lead to the same things.
We can also bargain with God to save our babies. I know that I did it several times. God if you save this baby then I will ______________. You fill in the blank. Hezekiah bargained with God for his life in 2 Kings 20
1In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz came to him, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Set thine house in order; for thou shalt die, and not live. 2Then he turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the LORD, saying, 3I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore.
The next thing that women who have lost a pregnancy suffer is depression, reflection, and loneliness. We often feel isolated because no one speaks of their own personal grief and loss. That is why I am speaking. You are not alone. God is with you and I understand about these things. 50 million babies have been aborted since 1973. Countless babies have been lost due to miscarriages and both are increasing. For every baby, there is a woman who carried that child. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!! Jesus spent 40 days in the desert alone. He knew loneliness. Almost every prophet experienced loneliness. Do not let Satan isolate you from those who love you and that includes God! Several people in the Bible experience depression. King David did because of his sin with Bathsheeba and the death of his son. Job experienced depression in the aftermath of Satan’s testing. Elijah felt depressed in 1 Kings 20. Jeremiah also was depressed at the message of destruction he was instructed to deliver to the people of Israel. Depression takes your eyes off of God and puts them onto you. We call that “ingrown eyeballs” in our Bible study. Like an ingrown hair or nail, it is painful. Depression can lead to death faster than just about any other thing.
And yet somehow, we can begin the upward turn. We see the sun light. No longer do we let these things consume us and all of our thoughts and time. We have turned the corner. Sometimes this comes quickly and for others like me, it takes years. Some people never feel the upward turn. Joseph’s turn was when God interpreted pharaoh’s dream and he was promoted to overseer and 2nd in command to the king of Egypt. After many years of trials, his life finally began to change. When does your turn begin? When will things look up for you? When you give all the other things to God? He wants to clean up your vessel so that it can be used to reflect His glory. How do you do that? Quit beating yourself up all the time. God does not want you to do that. Ask Him to take the self-condemnation away and to bring the healing you need! Don’t mistake what I say, you cannot forgive yourself. Only God can do that and if you are a Christian, He has already done it. Just ask! James 4:2 says “you have not because you ask not.”
Step out into the light. For many of you, just speaking of it for the first time will be stepping into the light. Admitting that you have felt these emotions and felt guilty for feeling them is a step to recovery. Jesus says that He is the light of the world. Let Him light up your world!
Then we move on to reconstruction and working through the issues. Some of you have spent many years destroying the temple. Some of you face infertility or marriage problems due to your individual situation. Begin to work on those things. If you have had an abortion, our recovery group is a good place to start. I have also led a group for women who miscarry. Talk to someone who will be willing to listen to you and validate your emotions. I would be glad to do that. There are many great women whom I know would come alongside you. Talk to your pastor, get counseling for your marriage. Whatever God leads your heart to! Choose someone who will speak life into you and who has the same values that you do.
Finally we arrive at acceptance and hope. Accept what has happened to you! Not accepting it won’t change things. The only thing that it accomplishes is keeping you tethered down to your grief and keeping your focus off of God and His great plan for you according to Jeremiah 29:11. He wants to give you a hope and a future. Hope is a great thing because it doesn’t disappoint. Jesus is the only hope that we need. He will carry us along and when we are strong enough to stand on our own 2 feet, He will walk beside us to guide us and use us to further His kingdom! The disciples were in despair at the death of Jesus. When they found their hope, they changed the world. Are you ready to change the world? In whom does your strength lie? God or yourself? You may only change the world one person at a time but when you get to Heaven, you will hear well done, Good and Faithful servant.
I want to leave you with a verse that has been speaking to me lately. I often wonder why I have had to endure such painful things in my life. According to 2 Corinthians 1
3-5All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. 6-7When we suffer for Jesus, it works out for your healing and salvation. If we are treated well, given a helping hand and encouraging word, that also works to your benefit, spurring you on, face forward, unflinching. Your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you're going to make it, no doubt about it.
What comfort have you received that you can pass on to someone else?