Wednesday, June 26, 2013

ABCs of My Heart: Abortion, Adoption, Abandonment

I am joining with some other bloggers in a challenge to blog through the alphabet.  Being the overachieving woman that I am, I couldn't choose just 1 "A".  I chose 3.  3 "A" words have defined my whole life.  These words have affected some part of my life and who I am .  But, hang on to the end and see my new "A" word.  If you want to read some others, check out The Proverbs 31 Mama for a link up on Friday.  Thanks for joining me on this journey.


Being abandoned by those people who are supposed to love you the most is so hard to get over.  Now, I know that they had their reasons and maybe they were valid, maybe not.  All I know is how it affected me.  You see I wasn't just abandoned as a baby but then again as an toddler and then again as an almost Kindergartener.  Abandonment followed me around for almost 5 years.  Going back and forth was harder than a clean break.  She loves me.  She loves me not.  She loves me.  She loves me not.  This sense that no one wants you is haunting.  It creeps into every pore and cell until you live with the doubt that no one will ever want you.  Please, know that I am condemning no one but just explaining how our actions affect others.  This began my belief system that I was not worthy of anyone's love or trust.  I would never fully trust another until I was an adult while being needy and over trusting in some ways.  Seems like a paradox doesn't it?  Being distrustful of others while being over trusting at the same time?  Well, imagine living like that.  I was constantly confused!  I still am most days!


Once abandoned, some people are never wanted and grow up alone but I was blessed to be adopted not once but twice.  My maternal grandparents decided to adopt me so that I could go to Kindergarten.  I felt happy that someone wanted me.  They gave me their name and promised to care for me.  I became part of what I call the Brady Bunch on crack.  I was #7 out of 8 children(my brother was adopted several years later).  4 kids from 1 marriage and 2 kids from another and 2 adopted children from different families.  What a mess we were and are but isn't that what family is?  A big, hot mess?  I like to say we put the funk in dysfunctional!  Be that as it may, I was part of a family no matter the dysfunction.  I had a sense that I belonged to something.  I wasn't just that girl that was abandoned but part of the Padgett family with all rights given therein!  What a great feeling!
My 2nd adoption happened when I was 25.  A little old for adoption, I know, but God doesn't have an age limit.  I was not born Jewish and thus according to Old Testament standards, I could not be considered God's people.  But, 2000 years ago, a man was born, lived,died and rose from the grave.  By His sacrificed blood, I was allowed to join God's family.  I am a full fledged member of the heavenly family because Jesus claims me was one of His own.  I am now stamped with His name and a part of His family with all the rights given therein!  Amazing!  Awesome!


At 17, I followed in the footsteps of my birth mother and got pregnant.  Instead of making her choice, I made another choice and I legally ended the life of my child.  This "A" word was a turning point for me.  My life began not to have any meaning!  Whatever value was given to me when I was adopted, was destroyed on that day.  Life had no value!  I lived that way until I was 25.  If you read the above paragraph, then you might see a correlation.  I began to live my life in a way that was destructive.  My heart was more broken than it had ever been and I didn't even know it!  When my life ran smack dab into Jesus, I began to see all the bandages on my heart.  It was a mess!  All scabbed over and gross.  It had never healed properly.  I had tried to heal it myself but that just caused infection.  But, Jesus came in and healed it.  He pulled off the scabs and put a balm on the sores and cured my infections and healed my heart.  There are scars, yes, there are!  He could have healed it without scars.  Why, then, did He leave the scars?  So that I could show them to others and point them, ultimately, to His scars. There, they could be healed, too.

That leads me to my new "A".......Abundance.  Jesus came to give me life and for me to live that life with abundance.  Overflowing fullness.  Oversufficient quantity or supply.  Not just barely making it from day to day but living in such a way that my abundance flows over to everything around me.  I am trying to live that way.  Trying to find joy in my journey.  I am trying to train my brain to take negative thoughts captive.  All the horrible things that happened to me in life do not compare to the peace, abundance, acceptance, and assurance I have in Jesus Christ.  I hope that for those of you who know me, you will see a difference.  No longer will it be a nature vs nurture thing for me.  It will be an old man vs new man kind of thing.  I am not who I was and I refuse to live like I am a pauper where life and joy are concerned.  I want to live an abundant life.  I want to be defined by this word and not the previous 3.  Are you living abundantly?

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