ABCs of My Heart: Abortion, Adoption, Abandonment

I am joining with some other bloggers in a challenge to blog through the alphabet.  Being the overachieving woman that I am, I couldn't choose just 1 "A".  I chose 3.  3 "A" words have defined my whole life.  These words have affected some part of my life and who I am .  But, hang on to the end and see my new "A" word.  If you want to read some others, check out The Proverbs 31 Mama for a link up on Friday.  Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Abandonment

Being abandoned by those people who are supposed to love you the most is so hard to get over.  Now, I know that they had their reasons and maybe they were valid, maybe not.  All I know is how it affected me.  You see I wasn't just abandoned as a baby but then again as an toddler and then again as an almost Kindergartener.  Abandonment followed me around for almost 5 years.  Going back and forth was harder than a clean break.  She loves me.  She loves me not.  She loves me.  She loves me not.  This sense that no one wants you is haunting.  It creeps into every pore and cell until you live with the doubt that no one will ever want you.  Please, know that I am condemning no one but just explaining how our actions affect others.  This began my belief system that I was not worthy of anyone's love or trust.  I would never fully trust another until I was an adult while being needy and over trusting in some ways.  Seems like a paradox doesn't it?  Being distrustful of others while being over trusting at the same time?  Well, imagine living like that.  I was constantly confused!  I still am most days!

Adoption

Once abandoned, some people are never wanted and grow up alone but I was blessed to be adopted not once but twice.  My maternal grandparents decided to adopt me so that I could go to Kindergarten.  I felt happy that someone wanted me.  They gave me their name and promised to care for me.  I became part of what I call the Brady Bunch on crack.  I was #7 out of 8 children(my brother was adopted several years later).  4 kids from 1 marriage and 2 kids from another and 2 adopted children from different families.  What a mess we were and are but isn't that what family is?  A big, hot mess?  I like to say we put the funk in dysfunctional!  Be that as it may, I was part of a family no matter the dysfunction.  I had a sense that I belonged to something.  I wasn't just that girl that was abandoned but part of the Padgett family with all rights given therein!  What a great feeling!
My 2nd adoption happened when I was 25.  A little old for adoption, I know, but God doesn't have an age limit.  I was not born Jewish and thus according to Old Testament standards, I could not be considered God's people.  But, 2000 years ago, a man was born, lived,died and rose from the grave.  By His sacrificed blood, I was allowed to join God's family.  I am a full fledged member of the heavenly family because Jesus claims me was one of His own.  I am now stamped with His name and a part of His family with all the rights given therein!  Amazing!  Awesome!

Abortion

At 17, I followed in the footsteps of my birth mother and got pregnant.  Instead of making her choice, I made another choice and I legally ended the life of my child.  This "A" word was a turning point for me.  My life began not to have any meaning!  Whatever value was given to me when I was adopted, was destroyed on that day.  Life had no value!  I lived that way until I was 25.  If you read the above paragraph, then you might see a correlation.  I began to live my life in a way that was destructive.  My heart was more broken than it had ever been and I didn't even know it!  When my life ran smack dab into Jesus, I began to see all the bandages on my heart.  It was a mess!  All scabbed over and gross.  It had never healed properly.  I had tried to heal it myself but that just caused infection.  But, Jesus came in and healed it.  He pulled off the scabs and put a balm on the sores and cured my infections and healed my heart.  There are scars, yes, there are!  He could have healed it without scars.  Why, then, did He leave the scars?  So that I could show them to others and point them, ultimately, to His scars. There, they could be healed, too.

That leads me to my new "A".......Abundance.  Jesus came to give me life and for me to live that life with abundance.  Overflowing fullness.  Oversufficient quantity or supply.  Not just barely making it from day to day but living in such a way that my abundance flows over to everything around me.  I am trying to live that way.  Trying to find joy in my journey.  I am trying to train my brain to take negative thoughts captive.  All the horrible things that happened to me in life do not compare to the peace, abundance, acceptance, and assurance I have in Jesus Christ.  I hope that for those of you who know me, you will see a difference.  No longer will it be a nature vs nurture thing for me.  It will be an old man vs new man kind of thing.  I am not who I was and I refuse to live like I am a pauper where life and joy are concerned.  I want to live an abundant life.  I want to be defined by this word and not the previous 3.  Are you living abundantly?

October Baby

Like millions of people, I went to see a very good movie this weekend.  The only difference was that I was alone in the theater.  I went to see the movie October Baby.  This movie was life changing!  I recommend that all of my readers go and see this movie.  It should get an Oscar nod but it won't.
October Baby is a movie about a young girl who finds out she is adopted.  Not only that but she was birthed due to a botched abortion.  Hannah, the main character, goes on a quest to find herself and to find out about her past.  This journey has all the makings of a good road trip, tears, laughter, fun, drama.  I am not gonna ruin it by telling all the details but suffice it to say that she also finds forgiveness and acceptance along the way.
As a post abortive mother, I thought that they told the story in a beautiful, non-condemning way.  I have already healed from my abortion(check out my story here. It is split into 3 stories.) but I did find healing in the telling of her story.  I am so glad that God doesn't stop working on me and He keeps refining and purifying me.
I encourage everyone to go and see this movie!  It is amazing!  You will enjoy it.  It is a Christian movie but it is well directed, acted, and produced.  No B movie here!
Check out Fandango for showtimes and locations!

Please show your love for this movie!  It will change your life but take some tissues!  I am going to see it again!

I just want to add that there were some weird coincidences in this movie.  These had me crying out loud in the theater.  Hannah's bday is October 7, 1991.  She had a twin who died named Jonathon.  I had my abortion in 1991.  I have a daughter now who has the bday of October 7.  My son in Heaven is name John.  Weird, huh?

'Fess Up Friday

I confess that I played Words with Friends in totally inappropriate places...while homeschooling, while grocery shopping, in bed, at work...Is there a support group for this?

I confess that I used a cheat program on a random guy who I know was cheating. What is a soja? I won't play him again! I did not use it on anyone I know!

I confess that I have been sick and haven't worked out for nearly 10 days! I feel like a slug but last week I was depressed and this week I couldn't speak or swallow. I guess I will get skinny in February!

I confess that I hope to be picked for Mamarazzi's Favorite Things Swap! I am a newbie so I guess I will have to hope for the best!

I confess that I got my knickers all in a bunch this week! Someone I know called everyone who is pro life close-minded, primitive zealots. When I looked up the definition of close-minded, well she fit that description: someone who is intolerant of views other than his/her own. AGGGGHHHHH! At least argue the facts and don't name call or belittle someone. We live in a big enough country to have different beliefs.

I confess that I was excited about Susan G Komen Foundation's decision to cut funding for Planned Parenthood. Then I was disappointed that they decided to pull the plug on pulling the plug. There is a link between abortion and breast cancer. Why would SGK want to sponsor and organization that wants to increase abortions world wide by 82%(read here). What? How is that healthy for anyone? I think most people agree that abortion should not be used as birth control but what is that about?

I confess that my head is exploding with all the mud throwing going on in the political world. Obama is increasing jobs....Obama is decreasing jobs. Gingrich is a womanizer....Gingrich is like any other politician he just got caught. Romney is a liberal....Romney is a conservative. Paul is crazy....Paul is crazy. Facts...unemployment is over 10% if you look at actual numbers. The only real jobs were created by the government. Check out the chart put for by the Congressional Budget outlook. Can any one person just tell us the truth? Why do all these things have to be clouded in smoke and spun by the media? We, the people, know the truth! We are the ones struggling day to day and week to week! We are the ones cutting back on our spending, losing our jobs, losing our homes, etc while the govt keeps spending and taxing and spending and taxing! How about the congressmen and women and senators get real jobs with real budgets and accountability and shut up with all the BS they are throwing at us?

I confessed weeks ago that I was gonna be confessing some things about the politics and elections going on! Well, you were warned! And my knickers are in a bunch. I better go iron them out! Hope you enjoyed these confessions! If not, well........maybe next week's will be better. Head on over to Mamarazzi and link up! Tell her I sent you!

What Now?

......Clara wakes up feeling horrible again. So much is going on with her both physically and emotionally. Then, her mother catches her in the bathroom again and this time confronts the scared sick girl with her own suspicions.
"Are you pregnant, young lady?" asks, Clara's mom.
"No, Mom. Why do you say that?" is the reply.
"Well, you are throwing up an awful lot and you don't appear sick."
"I must have the flu or something," Clara says, lying.
"I have raised enough girls before you to know what this is, so do not lie to me again."
"OK, Mom. I took a test last week and it was positive."
Looking at Clara, her mom could see the little girl that she used to be and the woman that she was becoming much too rapidly. Her own heart was broken. She had so many expectations for Clara and for what the future was going to hold. Having a baby certainly wasn't in the picture! What were they going to do? Well, she knew what they were going to do. She would have an abortion, plain and simple! Just a few hours and then it would all be over. Life could go on as it was before. She told Clara the plan.
Clara had never heard of abortion and didn't understand what it was about so she took the demands of her mother and presented them to her boyfriend. He said that he would do whatever she wanted and would stand by her either way. Secretly, Clara thinks that he is relieved!
The call is made to the clinic in the next town and an appointment made. In the meantime, life must continue to go on. Clara was in school still making good grades. She was cheering and hanging out with her friends all the while, this little baby was hiding in her tummy.
Finally, the day came for her appointment. Clara and her boyfriend drive into the clinic parking lot while people she knows protest outside. She hurries into the building trying not to be noticed. When she gets in and registers, the lady looks at her and asks her to fill out the paper work and for payment. While Clara is giving all the pertinent information, she looks around the room. There are girls and women of all ages and races. They all look frightened and sad and even a little nervous. No one really makes eye contact.
A door opens and someone calls out for Clara. She looks at her boyfriend and he says that he will be waiting for her when it is over. Then she walks through the door and into a hall. She is led to a room and told to disrobe and put on the paper nightgown. As she is doing so, she looks at some of the equipment and wonders what purpose each piece holds. Something begins to feel really wrong! What is she doing? What are they going to do to her? What is this procedure that no one has explained?
She pushes the feelings down and gets up on the table and with a shudder, she waits. Finally, two nurses and a doctor come into the room and tell her to lie back on the table and just relax. Clara can lie back but as for relaxing, she is not sure. They give her a pill that calms her just a little. Then, they begin. The noise is a sound that she will never forget. She starts to cry and throw up. One of the nurses rubs her head and turns it sideways so that she can vomit into a pan. The nurse tells her that it was all going to be all right but Clara somehow knew that nothing would be all right again.
When she goes to recovery, there is another girl there who is reclining. Clara starts to sob and the girl tells her that all with be ok and that she would get used to it eventually. What has she done? Why does she feel this way? This was just a blob of tissue so why does she have such a weight on her shoulders?
Clara cried all the way home and when she saw her mother, instead of sympathy or hugs, she was told that this was never to be discussed again and this never happened. But, Clara knew, deep down, that the girl who left the house this morning was not the same as the woman who came back. Her life despite the self-deceit would never be the same. She was damaged goods and her life was worth nothing!
She didn't know how true her thoughts would become over the next few years!



This is just part of Clara's(my) story. It is a small part of her life.  It was originally posted here.

When One Door Closes......

.....another one opens or God opens a window. Sometimes that is true but I would like to amend that statement to say, "When 1 door closes, God opens a vent and tells you to wait." This has been the case for me.

Many years ago, ok who am I kidding, more than a decade ago, God gave me a calling to public speaking. I had no idea that I could do something like that. I felt like most other people about public speaking. I would rather have my eyelashes plucked out 1 by 1 versus speaking in front of a crowd. But, from the 1st time I spoke at a women's ministry event at Southside Baptist Church, I have felt the calling. I have a few nerves but I approach it through prayer and the minute my mouth opens a peace goes through my body and God speaks. I never truly had that fear, I guess. However, I wasn't ready then for a ministry of that nature. I had a lot of baggage to unload and maturing spiritually to do. I still feel that calling on my life. I know that God is calling me to wait on Him. Psalm 37:7 says, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him..." Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.

Another calling I have had on my heart is helping women heal from the stress and heartache of having an abortion. There is a syndrome that many women go through called post abortion stress syndrome. You can read a secular article about it here. Since I, too, have suffered from the effects of having an abortion, I completely understand the reasons that women feel they must make this choice. I, also, know how damaging it can be to her after the fact. God called me to this ministry. I felt like it was my life's passion. But what happens when our passions are squashed by someone else? What are we to do when someone tells you that this is not God's calling for your life?

I don't know the answer to those questions. I have been pondering them myself. Sometimes when we serve in a ministry, things can happen to make us bitter. It can drive a wedge between people and thwart God's calling. I don't presume to question God's calling on someone's life and expect them to not question mine either. Until I hear from Him, I will continue to pursue that to which He has called me. Maybe I won't do it under the auspices of a particular ministry, but I will continue to seek after Him. In the Bible, Paul and Barnabas had a "sharp disagreement" and decided to part ways. They did not argue over doctrine but over a personal opinion. Why is this passage in the Bible? What purpose would it serve? Paul took Silas went to Syria to strengthen the church there. Barnabas took John Mark and went to Cyprus. God allowed their disagreement to still further His kingdom by spreading the gospel farther than it had gone before. They eventually made up and Paul ends up commending Barnabas in 1 Corinthians.

That doesn't mean that Paul and Barnabas weren't heartbroken over the rift in their friendship. As far as we know, they never saw one another again. They continued to work in the callings that they were given by God. They just couldn't work together. They never bad mouthed each other or lied about one another. They continued to have mutual respect for the others' work. This is the place that I have had to come to. I have had my heart broken in serving the Lord. There have been ugly words said to me and lies told to me and about me. I have tried above all to treat the other party as godly as possible. I am not perfect, however, and have had some bitterness in my heart. I am working on that with the Lord. I am asking that He remove that bitterness from me so that I can continue the work for which He has called me. I want to serve Him continually and faithfully.

I am trying to wait as patiently as I can for the next step in this process. Some days are better than others. I am sure that that was the case for Paul and Barnabas. Even though they are pillars of our faith, they are not the foundation and they are human with warts and flaws. I, too, have blemishes and I will fall. But, I want to reach out to the Lord for Him to pick me up, dust me off, and send me on my way to do His work! Thank You, O Lord!

American Idol-Pro Life?

These are not 2 terms that would generally go together but I have been pleased at what I have been watching over the past couple of weeks. There have been 3 instances when life has been viewed as precious in just this season. I was surprised at the topics.
The premiere night Paris Tassin shared her story about finding herself in an unplanned pregnancy. If that wasn't complicated enough, the baby was diagnosed with hydrocephalus, which is water on the brain. She was advised to abort her baby because she would be flawed. She chose life for her little girl despite the strikes against her. Check out her audition on youtube

Paris Tassin

The 2nd was a young man, Chris Medina. His fiance was injured in an accident just 2 months before their wedding. All their hopes and dreams were crushed due to her devastating brain injury. In an time when so many leave their perfect spouses because life with them is too hard and in a time when life is disposable, this was a refreshing story and speaks to Chris's character. Check out his audition on youtube

Chris Medina

The 3rd example was of a beautiful African American young woman, Adrienne Beasley. She was adopted by a white couple who talked about how well she fit into their family and how she was so special to them. Her dad said that he was "tickled" by her getting a golden ticket. Watch her audition on youtube

Adrienne Beasley

I know that they aren't doing this on purpose but God used Nebuchadnezzar for His purposes, why can't He use these hugely popular shows to promote how much He values life!
Way to go American Idol!