What Could've Been...

"Time to go, Mom," she hears him yell across the house.  This is the 3rd time that she has had to do this but it never gets any easier.  She grabs her keys, purse, phone and heads out the door.  He comes out right behind her.  His eyes are brimming with excitement.  WOW!  A junior in college!  Time has really flown by so quickly.  He gets into his car and she gets into her truck preparing to follow him.  Her husband will meet them at the university later.  As they pull out of the driveway, she puts on some music and begins to reminisce.  Life hasn't always been easy.  Being a single, teen mom is by far one of the most difficult things ever!  She has had times wondering where their next meal was going to come from and if they would be able to pay the rent.  There have been many long days at work and many jobs just to make ends meet.  She is always thankful that she had her family to help out especially when he was little.  Some days, she only saw him when she was putting him in bed.  She remembers his big brown eyes glazed over with sleep and hears him dreamily tell her that he loves her.  She can still smell that little boy smell as she leans over to kiss his forehead and pray over him.  She can see his tousled hair that is sticking up in a myriad of places.  Hair that is so dark brown that it is almost black.  She can hear his sweet little footsteps coming down the hall to her bedroom when he got scared at night.  What she wouldn't give for one more snuggle time with that little boy!
Now, he is a grown man fulfilling his dreams.  He is in college on a full, academic scholarship with aspirations of being a doctor.  He is a member of student government and Fellowship of Christian Athletes.  She couldn't be prouder of the young, godly man he is becoming.  But her heart aches at the thought that he no longer needs her like he used to.  Soon, he will meet a young woman and get married and maybe have some children for her to spoil.  Wouldn't that be nice?
Upon arriving at school, they unload all his stuff into his new apartment.  She has brought a few meals for the freezer for him to enjoy when he doesn't have time to cook for himself.  She cleans and makes sure everything is just right.  She is really stalling, not wanting to leave just yet.  But, she knows that she must go home and with tears in her eyes and a pain in her heart, she turns to go.  He calls out to her, "Thanks, Mom!  You're the best!  I love you!"
"I love you, too, Son!  Study hard and act like somebody."  She turns to go......

This is a short story of what could've been, if I had made a different decision when I was 17.  My boy, in Heaven, would have turned 20 Tuesday and been a Junior in college.  John Paul, my heart will always ache for what could've been!

What Now?

......Clara wakes up feeling horrible again. So much is going on with her both physically and emotionally. Then, her mother catches her in the bathroom again and this time confronts the scared sick girl with her own suspicions.
"Are you pregnant, young lady?" asks, Clara's mom.
"No, Mom. Why do you say that?" is the reply.
"Well, you are throwing up an awful lot and you don't appear sick."
"I must have the flu or something," Clara says, lying.
"I have raised enough girls before you to know what this is, so do not lie to me again."
"OK, Mom. I took a test last week and it was positive."
Looking at Clara, her mom could see the little girl that she used to be and the woman that she was becoming much too rapidly. Her own heart was broken. She had so many expectations for Clara and for what the future was going to hold. Having a baby certainly wasn't in the picture! What were they going to do? Well, she knew what they were going to do. She would have an abortion, plain and simple! Just a few hours and then it would all be over. Life could go on as it was before. She told Clara the plan.
Clara had never heard of abortion and didn't understand what it was about so she took the demands of her mother and presented them to her boyfriend. He said that he would do whatever she wanted and would stand by her either way. Secretly, Clara thinks that he is relieved!
The call is made to the clinic in the next town and an appointment made. In the meantime, life must continue to go on. Clara was in school still making good grades. She was cheering and hanging out with her friends all the while, this little baby was hiding in her tummy.
Finally, the day came for her appointment. Clara and her boyfriend drive into the clinic parking lot while people she knows protest outside. She hurries into the building trying not to be noticed. When she gets in and registers, the lady looks at her and asks her to fill out the paper work and for payment. While Clara is giving all the pertinent information, she looks around the room. There are girls and women of all ages and races. They all look frightened and sad and even a little nervous. No one really makes eye contact.
A door opens and someone calls out for Clara. She looks at her boyfriend and he says that he will be waiting for her when it is over. Then she walks through the door and into a hall. She is led to a room and told to disrobe and put on the paper nightgown. As she is doing so, she looks at some of the equipment and wonders what purpose each piece holds. Something begins to feel really wrong! What is she doing? What are they going to do to her? What is this procedure that no one has explained?
She pushes the feelings down and gets up on the table and with a shudder, she waits. Finally, two nurses and a doctor come into the room and tell her to lie back on the table and just relax. Clara can lie back but as for relaxing, she is not sure. They give her a pill that calms her just a little. Then, they begin. The noise is a sound that she will never forget. She starts to cry and throw up. One of the nurses rubs her head and turns it sideways so that she can vomit into a pan. The nurse tells her that it was all going to be all right but Clara somehow knew that nothing would be all right again.
When she goes to recovery, there is another girl there who is reclining. Clara starts to sob and the girl tells her that all with be ok and that she would get used to it eventually. What has she done? Why does she feel this way? This was just a blob of tissue so why does she have such a weight on her shoulders?
Clara cried all the way home and when she saw her mother, instead of sympathy or hugs, she was told that this was never to be discussed again and this never happened. But, Clara knew, deep down, that the girl who left the house this morning was not the same as the woman who came back. Her life despite the self-deceit would never be the same. She was damaged goods and her life was worth nothing!
She didn't know how true her thoughts would become over the next few years!



This is just part of Clara's(my) story. It is a small part of her life.  It was originally posted here.

Who Me?

Clara woke up feeling awful. That feeling lasted all day, through AP English and Calculus. She didn't want much lunch and finally before she started cheer practice, she threw up. Usually that made her feel better and for a while it did but the sour feeling in her stomach came back right at bedtime. She must be coming down with the flu or have some sort of virus. After forcing down some soup, she went to bed.
The next morning, she woke up early and barely made her way to the bathroom before throwing up what little contents she had in her tummy. Whew! What a way to wake up! Her mom came to the door to ask if she was all right. Clara answered that she would be fine but was probably going to stay home from school and get over this illness.
Her mom agreed and left for the store to get some ginger ale, crackers, Popsicles, and soup. She had seen Clara sick with the flu and knew that it was going to be nasty. She hoped that it came and went quickly. When she got home, Clara was watching day time TV and reclining on the couch. Her mom touched Clara's forehead and it felt cool. Whatever this sickness was, flu was not its name. A thought formed in her mind but surely that could not be correct. She was 17, for Pete's sake! Not her Honor Roll cheerleader who was going to college on full academic scholarship. She pushed the thought from her mind and took care of her baby girl for the rest of the day.
The next morning, Clara had the same thought that her mom had had the day before. But, something like that couldn't happen to her! She was too smart and she had way too much going for her. She couldn't be pregnant!!!! She emptied her stomach and headed to school. On the way, she called her boyfriend, Alex and told him to meet her that afternoon. She could barely concentrate the rest of the day at school. She told her cheer adviser that she had an emergency and left school to meet with Alex. They met and decided to go to the pharmacy and get a pregnancy test. They took the test to his house and carefully read the directions. Clara followed them to the letter. The 15 minutes that they had to wait was agonizing! She cautiously walked into the bathroom and looked at the test. There was no denying, even to her inexperienced eye that she was pregnant!! She felt like she had taken a blow to her stomach and she began to retch on the floor and cry. What were they going to do? She didn't want to get married yet and she knew she couldn't raise a baby all by herself. She felt Alex's arms around her shoulder giving silent comfort to her letting her know that all would be ok. Then, she had a moment of sheer terror!!! What was she going to tell her parents? They would be furious! Would they still love her? Would she still be wanted in their home? What about school and college? Amazing that so many thoughts could fly through her brain in such a short amount of time!! What was she going to do?
To be continued..........

This was 1st posted here and is a fiction telling of a true story!

118 Days

118 days! That is how long I was on bed rest both at home and in the hospital!

The doctors tell you that you are to be on bed rest. Depending on the severity of your “rest”, they give you the parameters for your movement. I was told that I could go to the bath room and take a shower every other day and that was it. They told me how this was going to help the baby and how gravity is not my friend. They told me all kinds of things.

I want to tell you some things that THEY don’t tell you.

Bed Rest is not rest at all.

I admit that when they told me that I would have to lie down and only get up for the necessities, I thought, “Wow!! Finally, some rest!” As a mother of 3 small children, I tried to take my rest where I could. But after about 5 days, the restfulness became restlessness. I got tired of lying down. No matter how many times I turned from side to side and then on my back, I couldn’t get comfortable. My once soft pillow top bed became hard and lumpy and the same time. I was more tired at the end of the day than I had been on my feet.

Bed Rest is stressful.

Life is still going on. The world is still turning. Noses have to be wiped. Homes have to be cleaned. Meals have to be made. Laundry has to be done. Hugs must be given. I found that not being able to do these small things was stressful. The amount of mommy guilt and wife guilt were almost overwhelming. Watching someone else care for my kids, clean my ceiling fans, fold my underwear, and nourish my family made me feel so inadequate. I was so stressed out seeing life unfold before my eyes that I would cheat a little here and a little there. This led to bed rest in the hospital.

Bed Rest is not always understood by those around you.

I would get invites to lunch or women’s meetings. People would ask me why I couldn’t bring the kids to preschool. BR is something that is hard to grasp when you have never experienced it before. I had a hard time understanding what it meant as well. I wanted to get up and have supper with my family or I can just sit here and fold clothes or I can watch a movie with my hubby. I can help my daughter with her home work(at the kitchen table). No, you can’t! In my case, I couldn’t!

Watching TV all the time isn’t as great as it sounds!

I will confess to you that I love TV! I always have and I always will. Don’t ask me to go unplugged for a week. I will mutiny! That being said, during my unfortunate incapacitation, there was nothing on TV. I was on bed rest during the writers’ strike and so all the shows were reruns. I was forced to watch reality shows and I only like a few of those. I did catch up on all the old Cosby Shows that I had missed. I love that show and got quite a few parenting tips from it.

Bed Rest does weird things to your body.

Everything ached! Even my teeth hurt at times. Near the end of my 4 months, I could barely walk down the hall to my room. I was winded and my legs were weak. I had to sit in the shower on a stool in order to bathe. I could only shower for 3 minutes but even for that short amount of a time, I couldn’t stand up and of course, baths were out of the question.

We take life for granted.

Fresh air became a precious commodity. When it became obvious that I was going to be in the hospital for a long time, I made them promise to take me outside at a certain week. It was a reward for lasting so long with broken waters and very little amniotic fluid. I had 5 minutes in a wheel chair in the driveway of the hospital to see the outside world. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the breeze caressed my face. My eyes feasted on the beauty of the mountains and the color of the sky. For weeks, I could only see a brick wall out of my window. On the drive home after having my son, I sobbed at seeing the trees without their leaves and the starkness of the winter’s hand on my town. The smell of my home and the softness of my bed were welcome stimuli.

Bed Rest is filled with heart ache.

My heart broke watching my kids grow up before my eyes without my help. I heard my son call someone else “Mom”. At my daughter’s kindergarten graduation, the video they showed might as well have been one of someone else’s kid. I recognized nothing. I wasn’t there! Christmas morning via SKYPE is just not the same. Each child walked up to the lap top and wished me a Merry Christmas and showed off what Santa had brought. It was just not the same!

Bed Rest brings blessings!

I was able to visit with family and friends that I had not seen in a while. I was able to share my faith with those who were worried. I was able to be an example to my children about how to handle crises in life. I have been able to help others who have to be on bed rest. I have a beautiful son who is healthy despite all the odds against us both. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been. I found out who truly loves my family and me. I found out who my true friends are! I found a community. I found my voice. I began writing during this time and haven’t stopped since.

Try to find the blessings in your situations. Hard times are going to come. How we handle them is the legacy we leave our kids.

American Idol-Pro Life?

These are not 2 terms that would generally go together but I have been pleased at what I have been watching over the past couple of weeks. There have been 3 instances when life has been viewed as precious in just this season. I was surprised at the topics.
The premiere night Paris Tassin shared her story about finding herself in an unplanned pregnancy. If that wasn't complicated enough, the baby was diagnosed with hydrocephalus, which is water on the brain. She was advised to abort her baby because she would be flawed. She chose life for her little girl despite the strikes against her. Check out her audition on youtube

Paris Tassin

The 2nd was a young man, Chris Medina. His fiance was injured in an accident just 2 months before their wedding. All their hopes and dreams were crushed due to her devastating brain injury. In an time when so many leave their perfect spouses because life with them is too hard and in a time when life is disposable, this was a refreshing story and speaks to Chris's character. Check out his audition on youtube

Chris Medina

The 3rd example was of a beautiful African American young woman, Adrienne Beasley. She was adopted by a white couple who talked about how well she fit into their family and how she was so special to them. Her dad said that he was "tickled" by her getting a golden ticket. Watch her audition on youtube

Adrienne Beasley

I know that they aren't doing this on purpose but God used Nebuchadnezzar for His purposes, why can't He use these hugely popular shows to promote how much He values life!
Way to go American Idol!